Wondering Thoughts of a Native Knight

What is on my mind….


What is on my mind…. This is really a loaded question!  So many things these days are on my mind: politics, social economics, schooling, art, my family, my friends, my health, my marriage, and so many other things.

But, for this post this talk about trauma. What type of trauma? A type of trauma where one feels their trust is smashed. It could be one’s parent, a sibling, a friend or a partner.  But in some manner, you feel your trust is smashed and taken away.  It could be as simple as a lie or something as great as an abusive situation.  How do you get that trust back? Do you get it back in that person? Do you learn to trust again, or does that distrust fester just below the surface until someone else comes along and then you just wait, expecting them to do that which the previous person did?  Unable to truly trust anyone again.

However, in this blog, I am going to talk about the type of trust that is the type that is much more damaging than just a simple lie.  I am going to talk about childhood abuse and/or relationship abuse.  Lying may very well be a part of that abuse and in my mind lying can even make that abuse worse because once someone lies, how are you expect to believe anything they say again?

I read an article today that was written with women in mind, yet as I read it I could see myself within it and I was rather taken aback.  I mean I have been in counseling for quite a few years, I knew I had some issues with my history of abuse: childhood and relationship abuse. But, this article just kinda ripped the bandages off and showed the festering, oozing wounds for what they are.

If you would like to read this article go here: “What It Means To Love A Girl Who Lived Through Trauma“.   This article explains what living through abuse trauma is in such a wonderful way. (where you see the … after the first initial set place in s/he or their which ever fits your reading style “…lived through trauma has lived through a situation where …body,…mind, …

“…lived through trauma has lived through a situation where …body,…mind, … self-was not … own. Where … felt disjointed, ripped from … self, safety, and sanity. It was a moment, an experience, a something where … trust was smashed, … worth was gone and all there was was the pain.

A person who has lived through trauma is the person who was pushed into the deep end of the pool when … didn’t know how to swim, but somehow found … way to the ledge anyway. … walked through a forest fire and didn’t succumb to the smoke, but dealt with the burns and made it out in spite of the flames. … found …self in free fall but refused to break upon impact.

… survived. … did.”

It is true, anyone, not just women who have gone through such trauma and have made it through to the other side survived! It doesn’t matter how fucked up we are, we still survived! We (and I am definitely including myself in this) may have to go through years of counseling and still fight our demons and the demons of the past every day but we did survive!

The key in life is to continue surviving, and the thing about trauma is that even when it is over it never really goes away. While you are going through everyday life, “sometimes trauma is loud. Sometimes it’s the monster banging on the windows and screaming gutturally and demonically inside of nightmares. It’s nails on a chalkboard and an earthquake that rattles everyone’s floors. It smashes everything in its wake and forces, no, demands that everyone acknowledge its terrible, terrible presence. … won’t have any choice but to sit with hands clapped over … ears making sounds that are barely human because … just wants everything to stop and it won’t.

But other times, trauma is quiet. It’s sneaky.

It’s the feeling that … is being watched or that … is walking down the street with the word ‘victim’ painted on … forehead in red and everyone is privy to … secrets. It’s the nagging fear that if … goes to sleep … dreams will be anything but restful. It’s the little whisper saying, “You will never be whole again,” that inches its way into the back of … mind and repeats over, and over, and over. And you won’t even see it because … convinces …self that … is the only one who knows that it is there.

It’s the feeling that … is a 100,000 piece puzzle of black and grey and everyone staring at the mess realizes that putting … back together is simply not worth the effort.” <“What It Means To Love A Girl Who Lived Through Trauma“>

Whenever I get into a relationship, I feel that things are great, but of course, I am afraid to tell that person I have just entered into the relationship with everything because after all I am broken and damaged.

I have told myself for years who would really want to be with someone as damaged as I am and if I did open up to them they wouldn’t to worry or deal with all those pieces and putting them back together. So, if they did coax any of the details of my past out of me, I play down the effects they had on me, and just how much I was still dealing with those issues.  I always felt dealing with my own issues,  with my own 100,000 piece puzzle alone. leaving us to deal with the issues of the new relationship. Not taking into consideration that “all those issues of their past and of my past” was part of what made up our relationship. Then, of course, the whole time I was also dealing with trust issues.

All of this leads to the what is called the cycle of abuse.  Every time I think I have healed enough that I have broken that cycle and can enter a healthy relationship, I find myself right back in an unhealthy relationship. Even when I am not focused on hiding my damage or labeling myself as a victim. But, I am still concentrating a good amount of time on healing, because as stated above Trauma never goes away. I also continually have trust issues that I have to deal with.

So, the question is: Will someone who has been through such trauma over and over again, ever going to be in a relationship? Will someone like myself ever going to find that someone who understands the issues that come with feeling like It’s the feeling that I am walking down through life with the word ‘victim’ painted on my forehead in red and everyone is privy to my every secret? That my nagging fear is to not just to stay awake and face every person I come face to face with day to day, but to close my eyes and go to sleep and dream where I will face my demons of the past. It’s the little whisper saying, “You will never be whole again,” that I am not worth a healthy relationship, that if everyone, from my family to my relationships says I am faulty then I must be faulty.

It is all this that leaves me and others like me feeling introverted and wanting to withdraw into ourselves and sometimes physically into our homes away from people. Away from having relationships, to a place where it is “safe”.

What is on my mind? That people who suffer trauma such as life changing, relationship changing trauma is not only women but are men as well. When you are reading articles such as, <“What It Means To Love A Girl Who Lived Through Trauma“>, remember that it isn’t only women who suffer abuse of all kinds, even physical abuse in relationships, even rape.  It isn’t even women who are looking for someone to enter into a relationship with that understands, who are willing to say; “Love, let me help you heal because I believe you can.” and keep that word, not go back on it because it becomes too hard to deal with all the 100,000 pieces.


I read this blog and felt moved to reblog it! The Author is asking Muslims – when Trumpets have had enough of harassing them, (Muslims), and turn from them and turn to bullying the gay man two doors down will they stand watch so they can sleep safely, or will they stand up for the gay man? Will the Muslim escort the woman past the baying mob to the health center, will s/he link arms with the Rabbi to keep the fascists from the synagogue? That is the challenge this Muslim author is putting out there to other Muslims in the face of Trumpets and their threat to diversity. However, it is the same challenge I put out to all Americans. This is a land of diversity, land of the free. Will you stand up with the person next to you? Be they a different sexuality, different race, different religion, etc? If you want people to stand up for you, you need to stand up for them. That’s the diversity deal. – Go read the article I reblogged and you won’t be disappointed. Plus, please – take the diversity challenge – stand up for your fellow American no matter how different they are and see them stand up for you!

Ali Abbas

unity

Diversity and inclusion are wonderful when they work in your favour. In the last week, Muslims like myself have been the beneficiaries of the world’s love and understanding. At airports around the United States people with open, liberal minds have acknowledged that most of us are just ordinary folk. We only want to live and work in peace and free from fear. Owing no allegiance other than our shared humanity these generous and passionate people stood up for our rights and our cause.

I’ll admit that I am conflicted. There are so many sides to what has happened that I am not sure how to reconcile them all. Let me lay them out for you.

Perhaps easiest to understand is that I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love in the face of an act of hate. It is a bright light in a time of encroaching darkness…

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I was sent these AYL AX8 Boothtooth earphone at a discounted price to give an honest review. It took me a bit to figure out how to connect them to two connections at once, mainly my Samsung Galaxy S5.

I finally was able to get it hooked up to both my computer (running Windows 10) and my Samsung Galaxy S5. I also had it connected to my old Motorola and Blackberry. I like having it connected to my computer and my Samsung phone cause I can listen to my music or audiobook as I am cleaning or working in my studio and if someone calls I can switch to my phone and talk hands-free. I would most certainly recommend this Bluetooth product to anyone, from the less active person to the athletic who is more active because they fit nice and secure in my ears and I have very sensitive ears.

#AYLBTEarphone http://amzn.to/2bcXKjt


I love adding fruit to my water, this is a great post on doing just this. What a great refreshing summer “treat” that keeps you refreshed and hydrated. Believe me, I don’t like drinking water, but since I have been adding fruit to my water I have increased drinking water by none to more than a liter a day. I drink 2 or 3 cups of coffee in the morning then I start drinking water. I have cut soda completely out of my diet and have replaced it with water.

Three Dollar Ninja

Cool, sweet — yet totally healthy — treat for the spring and summer months:

Frozen berries and/or fruit in a water bottle helps keep your water cooler, and adds a touch of flavor naturally. (Bonus: you can eat the berries and fruit after drinking the water!) My personal favorite combination is frozen strawberries and frozen peaches!

You may have to cut your berries and fruit up to fit them into the water bottle.

A bottle with a wider mouth is definitely ideal — I ♥love♥ my Eco water bottle from Tupperware! I have the medium-sized one. You can find them by going to http://beverlywuellner.my.tupperware.com/ and searching for “Eco Water Bottle.”

Now, with the exception of your water bottle being in excessive heat for prolonged periods of time, you can generally keep the same fruit/berries in your water bottle for up to 24 hours. I typically refill mine with refrigerated water…

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“I never want to be like my parents!” I hear that so often, hell I said it myself.  But, I was so wrong! I am proud to say I am very much like my Mother AND my father in many ways. This popes into my wondering thoughts this morning as I sat and meditated.

I was thinking about the difference between today’s parents and the way they discipline children and the way my mother and father did, and then I did when it was my turn.

People today would SO think my mom and dad was being abusive if they heard them say; “If you don’t stop I am going to sell you to the gypsies!” We 5 children knew very well neither parent really meant they were going to sell us, or even give us away.

Both parents showed us love every day. Not the cuddle you, tell us they loved us every other minute they loved us, and let you run free and do whatever you wanted. But, they made sure we were fed, taught us right from wrong, went to bat for us if they thought we were being hurt or being treated unfairly even if it was one of our own siblings.

I admit my mother was mostly the one going to bat for us because she was the one who did most of the discipline.

However, they both taught us hard work and to face up to anything we did wrong no matter how small it might be and to make it right.  Our father and mother taught us our word was our bond if you promised something or shook on a deal you damn sure was going to keep your word cause your name meant something, not only to you but the rest of your family and ancestors who came before you.

They also were gentle with us when we were hurt. But spoke very bluntly. They afraid to treat each of their kids different than another of their kids, cause they knew no two person is exactly alike and that goes for children. Some need more freedom, others need more guidance.  Some need a tighter grip and harder discipline, others just need a look and three words said: “I’m so disappointed”.

I laugh cause I have reacted to my grand daughter and even my cats as my parents did with us, and in return I found myself reacting to my daughter as she was growing up, and have had my wife who is 12 years younger than me and from a totally different area react in shock.

It isn’t anything for me to respond with; “stop being a little shithead” or “You are being an ass hole right now”.  We were taught, I taught my daughter and I hope my daughter teaches her daughter, ” I love you but don’t love your actions right now!” Or “I love you but not really liking you right now”

Because it is ok to teach your kids it is possible to love someone but not to love their actions or even like them, but it doesn’t mean you are going to stop loving them or even stop ever liking them, just while they are doing the assolish actions, or as young children so they can separation between you loving them and not liking their actions. That they are not bad, their action is bad.

Thinking over all this, I have to really say thank you to my parents! Because if it weren’t for them, and for the life I lead on the farm. I
really think I be I’ll equipped  to handle the chronic illness that has struck, the constant pain that racks my body.  Because of them I know how to fight this evil that attacks me and never give into it. But even more, thanks to them I have a great relationship with my own daughter.

Thanks, mom and dad for being the parents you were!

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Making Magic In the Kitchen has a lot of connotations but for today, we are going to talk about the way my family passed traditions down for years.  My father’s side and Mother’s side both practiced Kitchen Witchery.  So what exactly is Kitchen Witchery? It is a spiritual practice where you connect with Earth and Natual side of nature bring it into your home via your Kitchen.

I remember my great – grandmother harvesting herbs of all kind, even wildflowers to make teas, adding them to her foods, and making medical salves. This tradition was taught and passed down to my grandmother, my mother, then my siblings and myself. Some of us practiced the art of herblism which is part of Kitchen Witchery and some of us didn’t practice Kitchen Witchery at all. Just like any family and their traditions/faith beliefs, people find their own paths.  I myself studied the art of herblism through my family teachings and a few college classes, plus followed my families teachings/faith, but that isn’t to say I didn’t have times of non-practicing of this path.

Just like any family and their traditions/faith beliefs, people find their own paths.  I myself studied the art of botany through my family teachings and a few college classes, plus followed my families teachings/faith, but that isn’t to say I didn’t have times of non-practicing of this path.

kitchenwitch

However, I am always drawn back to this path because I truly believe that plants were put here for us to use in many different ways, as long as we educate ourselves on what their benefits are and what parts are good for us.

As for the actual practice of Kitchen Witchery, will the Kitchen is where the heart and hearth of many homes?  Isn’t that where your nutrition comes from? With the feeling economy and for those who like to cook the kitchen is where we spend a large portion of the day morning and evening.  You have time to bring your family together and bring love, closeness, and even prosperity back into your family by spending time around the food you make.

Now when I say prosperity, I am not saying prosperity as in money, but who knows that might be something you are able to bring back into your home too once everyone starts talking and you’re cooking from scratch instead of dumping things from a can and eating from bags of quick eat junk.  But, I am talking the prosperity of family closeness, of being able to talk together again.  This country has lost so much of what “yester-year” use to have when kids had to be home before the street lights came on, families ate around the table at least once a day and actually talked about their days.

When someone takes the time to put meals together from the basic ingredients, they have a magical opportunity at hand. They can infuse every dish with intent and will, not to mention love. A meal can stop being something you out of a can, and start being a ritual in and of itself. When you take the time to prepare something with your own hands, that lends its sacredness, and will make you want to spend time savoring it with your family. Rather than just snarfing it down on your way out the door, or grabbing fast food and eating it around a tv watching reality tv shows about another family’s drama filled life.

With all this amazing taking time to learn information such as; Tea Tree Oil is a great antiseptic on cuts, Garlic is nature’s Antibiotic, Cinnamon helps with Diabetic insulin issues, Coconut oil can be made into a teeth whitener, Cinnamon/honey/ and garlic can be made into a cough syrup – cold remedy. So many other natural remedies. And they can be included in your everyday cooking too, such as including cinnamon in your baking, garlic in your cooking etc.  Add Intent, will, and love by wishing good health and happiness as you cook for those you cook for, including yourself.

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Some wild plants can also be used in Kitchen Witchery, however, this is where extreme caution must be used. Like any medical usage you need to know how to use them and what parts to use, before attempting to do so, such as; if you’re having liver issues those weeds, dandelions, in your yard when harvested early in the season, cleaned well and prepared correctly can be used in detoxing your system and liver.   But, they should be used with caution, because dandelions are a diuretic with potassium and other vitamins but shouldn’t be used with some medicine your doctor is giving you.

I have always found this type of “magic” so interesting because medical doctors every day practice it but don’t let anyone in mainstream America know. After all, many of the modern medicines, (e.g., aspirin, Morphium, Tamoxifen, Vin­cris­tin, etc.) we are prescribed by our doctors either were derived or have herbs in them along with the synthetic crap.

Doctors and phymacitical companies will tell you in articles that the reason they can’t just extract the benefits from the herb, wild plant and make the medicine in a natural manner. is that herbal medicines tend to have not one but a multitude of pharmacologically active ingredients. Thus extracting only one ingredient might reduce the pharmacological activity of the whole plant extract. There is no way to extract just the pharmacological active ingredient they need.  In other words, if they use such as dandlions they would have to give you a caution that it is a diuretic, that it covers liver, it is anti – inflamtory, that it is a detoxing drug, and all the other things it can do, plus if their is any side effcts if you use it with any other drug or to often.  UMMM don’t they do that already with all the synthic drugs they put out already? Take this and this may happen, you may have worse side effects then the issue you already have.

I think I will stick with my home remedies where I can, don’t get me wrong, I don’t go with out modern medicine all together. But, when I can, I would rather connect with the Earth as the Great Being intended and use home remedies, use spices and herbs in my cooking, or as my grand-mother put it, I continue adding a pinch of love to and care to everything I cook.

ever mindful

Blessings one and all,

Trinton TrinityHawk


As I have said many times my mother is/was my number one mentor in life. She pushed me through school. Not only High School but College as well.  When I graduated from High School I gave her my graduation hat and told her it was as much hers as mine.  She was a single parent and even when she was working two jobs to feed us and pay the bills she pushed me to keep going even when I felt low and helped me to study every day.

She taught me to reach for the golden ring if I missed the first or second time around than just try harder and reach further out the next time.

Yeah, sometimes you might fall off that carousel horse while reaching for the golden ring, but then you get right back up, dust yourself off and go again until you capture the ring!

Because we all have to work for what we want. If we have kids, than we as adults/parents signed a contract with those children and with the higher power to help and guide them to capture the golden ring without falling off and getting hurt, as best as we are able, until they are out of college then help via support and love for the rest of our lives.

No one can give a person their dreams. Perhaps someone can help reach out and grab that golden ring if we are willing to ask for their help.  But they can not do the work alone. No one can just hand that golden ring over to another person, not your parents, not a spouse, not even our higher power.

Sure there are those who inherit riches, like Donald Trump.  However, even those who have inherited  lots of money has to work to keep that money. If they want to remain rich, then they have to do the work to remain so, to earn more money to replace the money they spend or to invest smartly so that they do not end up bankrupt.

However, if we allow it anyone can take our self-worth, and our dreams from us through their actions and their words.

Don’t let them!

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