Wondering and random thoughts from my daily meditations and from life.

Archive for the ‘meditation’ Category


The Big “C”

A early morning ramble about The Big “C” the definition in the Oxford dictionary is: informal; Cancer.

You know an illness has grown in our environment when the initial of the illness is listed and defined by itself within the world’s Oxford Dictionary.

When you can’t look crossed eyed and someone you know is being diagnosed with or being effected by the deisase.

I have had The Big “C” entered in and out of my life in one way or another since I was a newborn.

When I was born I had marks on my head that the doctors labeled strawberry birthmark. Thank goodness for Mother’s intuition! She went to several doctors until she found one who would listen to her, saying something was not right. These were not birthmarks, especially the one on my forehead. The doctor agree to test the marks and found that they were indeed hemotimiom tumors. The smaller ones were benign. However, the one on my forehead was miglignet and was grow inward, connected to and feeding off of one of the main arteries of my tiny brain. Surgery was quickly done. This was the first time The Big “C” entered my life.

My maternal-granfather died if cancer brought on by Dibieties and smoking (I was only around 4 or 5), my Aunt died if Lung Cancer when I was in my early 30’s, my Dad died of Tongue cancer when I was in my 30’s, my Mom died if Lung/Brain Cancer when I was in my early 40’s, and my sister died in a car crash following an ambulance to hospital that held her husband who had Cancer, I was in my 40’s.

Now, my ex-wife is fighting this monster for the second time and my brother is fighting it as well.

When will the Big “C” get killed for good? When will we no longer hear on a daily bases how a family member or friend is having a “C” scare or being diagnosed with It? When are we going to digbt the pharmaceutical companies, the Goverment and find what is causing more and more die with this Big “C”. Is this Genocide in the mass but threw a silient chemical war fare? These are the things my Bi-polar brain thinks of everytime I hear if anither family or friend diagnosed!



“I never want to be like my parents!” I hear that so often, hell I said it myself.  But, I was so wrong! I am proud to say I am very much like my Mother AND my father in many ways. This popes into my wondering thoughts this morning as I sat and meditated.

I was thinking about the difference between today’s parents and the way they discipline children and the way my mother and father did, and then I did when it was my turn.

People today would SO think my mom and dad was being abusive if they heard them say; “If you don’t stop I am going to sell you to the gypsies!” We 5 children knew very well neither parent really meant they were going to sell us, or even give us away.

Both parents showed us love every day. Not the cuddle you, tell us they loved us every other minute they loved us, and let you run free and do whatever you wanted. But, they made sure we were fed, taught us right from wrong, went to bat for us if they thought we were being hurt or being treated unfairly even if it was one of our own siblings.

I admit my mother was mostly the one going to bat for us because she was the one who did most of the discipline.

However, they both taught us hard work and to face up to anything we did wrong no matter how small it might be and to make it right.  Our father and mother taught us our word was our bond if you promised something or shook on a deal you damn sure was going to keep your word cause your name meant something, not only to you but the rest of your family and ancestors who came before you.

They also were gentle with us when we were hurt. But spoke very bluntly. They afraid to treat each of their kids different than another of their kids, cause they knew no two person is exactly alike and that goes for children. Some need more freedom, others need more guidance.  Some need a tighter grip and harder discipline, others just need a look and three words said: “I’m so disappointed”.

I laugh cause I have reacted to my grand daughter and even my cats as my parents did with us, and in return I found myself reacting to my daughter as she was growing up, and have had my wife who is 12 years younger than me and from a totally different area react in shock.

It isn’t anything for me to respond with; “stop being a little shithead” or “You are being an ass hole right now”.  We were taught, I taught my daughter and I hope my daughter teaches her daughter, ” I love you but don’t love your actions right now!” Or “I love you but not really liking you right now”

Because it is ok to teach your kids it is possible to love someone but not to love their actions or even like them, but it doesn’t mean you are going to stop loving them or even stop ever liking them, just while they are doing the assolish actions, or as young children so they can separation between you loving them and not liking their actions. That they are not bad, their action is bad.

Thinking over all this, I have to really say thank you to my parents! Because if it weren’t for them, and for the life I lead on the farm. I
really think I be I’ll equipped  to handle the chronic illness that has struck, the constant pain that racks my body.  Because of them I know how to fight this evil that attacks me and never give into it. But even more, thanks to them I have a great relationship with my own daughter.

Thanks, mom and dad for being the parents you were!




Your Dreams Who Owes You?

As I have said many times my mother is/was my number one mentor in life. She pushed me through school. Not only High School but College as well.  When I graduated from High School I gave her my graduation hat and told her it was as much hers as mine.  She was a single parent and even when she was working two jobs to feed us and pay the bills she pushed me to keep going even when I felt low and helped me to study every day.

She taught me to reach for the golden ring if I missed the first or second time around than just try harder and reach further out the next time.

Yeah, sometimes you might fall off that carousel horse while reaching for the golden ring, but then you get right back up, dust yourself off and go again until you capture the ring!

Because we all have to work for what we want. If we have kids, than we as adults/parents signed a contract with those children and with the higher power to help and guide them to capture the golden ring without falling off and getting hurt, as best as we are able, until they are out of college then help via support and love for the rest of our lives.

No one can give a person their dreams. Perhaps someone can help reach out and grab that golden ring if we are willing to ask for their help.  But they can not do the work alone. No one can just hand that golden ring over to another person, not your parents, not a spouse, not even our higher power.

Sure there are those who inherit riches, like Donald Trump.  However, even those who have inherited  lots of money has to work to keep that money. If they want to remain rich, then they have to do the work to remain so, to earn more money to replace the money they spend or to invest smartly so that they do not end up bankrupt.

However, if we allow it anyone can take our self-worth, and our dreams from us through their actions and their words.

Don’t let them!


Shouldn’t we be helping our own first?!

I was reading the news and Facebook this morning, across my Facebook thread many posts scrolled past about how we should be helping our own veterans – homeless children – people in need before letting any refugees into our country and helping them. Will I had a good friend put the answer to this question into perfectly wonderful set of words.

<<“shouldn’t we be helping our own first?!”>>

“Here’s a thought… if you want to help our own before helping refugees, get off your ass and help. don’t walk by the homeless, stop to give them money or offer them clothing… or really put your concern to work and offer them a place in your home to crash. the same logic goes for the elderly, the disabled, every other group i hear people saying we need to help first. YOU can help them by doing something right now. today. helping our own is entirely within the reach of each person, personally. get up and do something if you’re so concerned. stop saying we need to help our own first when you aren’t doing a damn thing to do so. we need to help both our own and the refugees, and that is entirely possible and entirely doable… if people would stop talking and start acting.”

I couldn’t agree with these words any more then if I said them myself!

I was taught seven basic principles to guide how to live life from my family, and these are Cherokee principles:

Wisdom: To cherish knowledge is to know wisdom. Wisdom is given by the Creator to be used for the good of the people.

Love: Love must be unconditional. When people are weak they need love the most.

Respect: Have respect for all that is. All of creation should be treated with respect. You must give respect if you wish to be respected.

Bravery: To face a foe with integrity. To do what’s right even when the consequences are unpleasant.

Honesty: Always be honest in word and action. Be honest first with yourself, and you will more easily be able to be honest with others.

Humility: You are equal to others, but you are not better.

Truth: Speak the truth. Do not deceive yourself or others.

My wife and I try hard to live our lives by these words and values. We may be considered poor ourselves, but we try and help others who are struggling too. Even when we were at our darkest hour and thought we were going to be homeless and depended on food pantries to eat we did what we could to give. We donated clothing – winter coats/gloves/scarves – books etc to the “Friends of Night People” a non-profit organization that helps homeless and low income people/families here in Buffalo, NY.

During the dark days of our struggling, we would depend on food pantries, such as the one that “Friends of Night People”  and “Food Bank of WNY”  provided.  While visiting the pantries we would take only what we needed and would graciously say no thanks to those things we couldn’t eat due to health issues, allergies, etc in order to make sure it was left for those who could use it or needed it more.

Then their were times we managed to have cabinet full in the kitchen for the week or month.  We would surpass that visit because we knew that food pantries did not get unlimited food and their was someone else out their in need. If we went to get food when we really didn’t need it then someone else who did would be left out.

We have open our doors so many times to people who needed a place to crash for a night – for a few nights – for a week even. I admit we have never open our doors and said “please move in and stay” because 1. we ourselves could be evicted 2. It wouldn’t be helpful, to help them find a place to crash and get on their feet yes, to help them find a place to crash and drag their feet until we put ourselves into danger of being evicted no.

So, if you are SO worried about OUR homeless – OUR Veterans – OUR Children do something about it NOW. Stop complaining about the people who drain our system and those who pay taxes. I am not so gullible to say don’t worry about your own welfare or your families, no matter what!  But, their is something everyone can do starting today for that homeless person, that veteran, that elderly person, etc that “we” are so worried about yet still is suffering and being used as an excuse to not help yet another person who has been put out of their home.

At this point I wish to quote our most beloved Lakshman Kadirgamer who said “the battle for peace, (has to be ) fought in the hearts and minds of people. It is won or lost there. One can win wars but lose peace.”

May you have peace in your heart and much blessings




For With Much Wisdom Comes Much Sorrow:

This month has been a doozy!  My writing and posting for Fashion Maniac has increased, I have been helping my wife doing marNella-43keting with her Independent Jamberry business, doing several commissioned art pieces, PLUS most important of all our grand-daughter turned one July 19th!!

As much as this all has been going on, we seem to be spinning our wheels at the same time.  My wife runs her start-up business, and I am working as a freelance artist/writer, neither get rich careers. In truth neither make enough to pay bills and buy food.  I happen to be working at my Dream careers ( businesses ) long enough that I make a bit more monthly then she does, so I have been able to keep the lights on, pay the rent with my disability and keep at least something in our bellies and our cats feed.  But the bills are beginning to suffer.   Because of this I have been taking some time to think about the lessons of Buddha and Life.

root-of-suffering-is-attachment-570x377Buddha said; ” Life is suffering”.  The quote did not necessarily mean actual pain – be it mental, physical, or emotional.

The quote was originally translated from the word Dukkha which could have been  “translation” in three ways; Suffering, Change, and Conditioned State.   So, we are all aware of what Suffering means be it Mental, Emotional, or Physical.

Change; can be not permanent, subject to change.  Thus, happiness, sadness, madness, all emotions are life because they not permanent. It goes further; Great success, fairer, actual suffering, etc all fades with the passing of time, is Life. Even the purest state of bliss experienced in spiritual practice is Life.

All of this doesn’t mean that happiness, success and bliss are bad, or that it’s wrong to enjoy them. If you feel happy, then enjoy feeling happy. Just AAEAAQAAAAAAAAD0AAAAJDBkMDBlMzI1LTFmNDktNGI0OC04ODBjLTE3NTRkMzQ0ZWE5OQdon’t cling to it. The same goes for those things that you feel so strongly for in a negative way. No job, struggling to pay bills, depression, unable to help your family, health issues, etc.  Feel the emotion, but don’t cling to it, or the issue or it may engulf you.

With this in mind, I have been doing my best to meditate on letting go and having faith that things will working out as it should.  I know that in the bible it states; “God helps those who help themselves!” <Hezekiah 6:1>   So, I am not sitting back and hoping all will work out, but I am doing my best to let go of my own “suffering”,  <worrying / anxieties/ stress> and consecrate on finding freelance work, contracts then letting the rest be at fate’s door.   If you are a follower of the bible, however, one who is also a scholar like myself would have even a harder time to let go because the bible also states; ” The greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow.” <Ecclesiastes 1:18>

What are your thoughts about this subject?  Suffering? Does it mean true suffering or can it possibly mean change?



Until next time – Peace, Blessings, and Happiness



Homeless Jesus:

On top of the news of the Supreme Court passing the law to give all GLBT individuals the right to marry, my wife and I were texting this morning about a statue that is downtown it is at one of our local bus stops, near a church, the statue titled; “Homeless Jesus”.  It is a figure of a person curled up on a bench with a blanket over him and all you can see is his hands holding the blanket and his feet sticking out.  His hands and feet both have holes in them.  

It had me wondering: has the Bible story of Jesus been told in true context and not  translated it to mean to themselves.

Jesus was a homeless man partly by choice do to traveling and speaking the world of god, but also because that when he did seek shelter, many times he would be turned away by those who did not believe and saw him as nothing more than a beggar.

Those who valued their THINGS and their money over humanity instead of helping another human being in need, choose to turn a blind eye on who this man at their door was, and saw just a dirty beggar instead of God’s Son who was here walking among his people preaching his father’s word, studying to reach enlightenment himself. For he said many times; “I will live and walk among my people”  So, who were his people? The rich that valued their THINGS and money, that turned away those in need? Or those who were poor and welcomed others with open arms, was welling to share what they had even if it wasn’t much?

I am not saying all the poor and none of the reach were his people.  No – there were some rich who gave to the poor and welcomed Jesus into their homes, let him rest, eat, and bath.  These people received the same blessings that those who he lived and walked among.   But, remember Jesus said in Matthew 19:24; “Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”

I do not consider myself Christian but I think no matter who you are, to be “his people”, it does not matter where you are in life, what does matter is; are you willing to accept and love all man kind, no matter who they are, how much money they have, what race they are, what religion they are, or who they love.

Since I study religions and consider myself spiritual and more Buddhist then any other religion, consider this: As Buddha choose to travel an forsake all worldly goods in search of enlightenment, to preach life’s lessons.  So did Jesus, choose to travel and forsake all worldly goods in search of enlightenment, and to preach his father’s word/ life’s lessons.  Because both choose to travel and forsake all worldly goods, it made both homeless.  Both, were holy men but were forsaken by some, yet both denied that they were God, and said they were just prophets seeking enlightenment and preaching  life lessons. However; Jesus said he was preaching the word of his father, the one true God: While the study of Buddhism does not believe in a supreme creator.

The realization that he, like anyone else, could be subject to different forms of human suffering drove Siddhartha into a personal crisis. By the time he was 29, he abandoned his home and began to live as a homeless ascetic and five followers joined Buddha on his journey, much as Jesus had his prophets who followed him. Buddha means; as a person who has awakened from the deep sleep of ignorance. The Buddha, preached about embracing sympathy and a deep concern for the poor and the oppressed. He preached in favour of equality of all men and opposed inequalities and abuses of the caste system.

Buddhism has eightfold path which we follow while Christians have 10 comments they follow.  The eightfold path leads to extinction of suffering and impersonality of all beings, it leads to enlightenment within one’s spirit.  These are the lessons that Buddha taught, compared to the lessons’ Jesus taught on his travels.

I am not saying one is better then the other, I am not, as I stated above I study religions, myself I think they are both equally important and true.  For if both religious leaders teach peace, compassion, acceptance and shows that it is the road to enlightenment is to show these traits in ourselves and in humanity, how can these lessons be wrong, how can these religions be wrong?

Just where my mind wandered this morning – Whirling mind wondering thoughts …..

Where is your mind wondering? What is your whirling thoughts?




If you like to know more about Buddhism here is some

Philosphy of Buddism

Buddism in a nutshell



Merry Christmas To One And All!

20141221_202339Miss Nikki tried to wake her Mom up for morning breakfast but Kitra just pulled the cover over her head and went back to sleep. I was half awake and half asleep so I got up and feed the fur balls and gave them their Christmas treats.

Now I sit her in the Kitchen with a cup of coffee remembering all the mornings my mom use to be up before us feeding our fur balls and having her coffee in the kitchen, her favorite room of the house. She use to call it the heart of the house.

I miss you mom, Merry Christmas! And a Merry Christmas to all my family, friends, and those who follow me on here. May each of you enjoy the Heart of your families,  be it the kitchen or family room. Be happy, full of love, peace, and laughter!

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