Wondering Thoughts of a Native Knight

Archive for the ‘Wondering Thoughts’ Category

What is on my mind….


What is on my mind…. This is really a loaded question!  So many things these days are on my mind: politics, social economics, schooling, art, my family, my friends, my health, my marriage, and so many other things.

But, for this post this talk about trauma. What type of trauma? A type of trauma where one feels their trust is smashed. It could be one’s parent, a sibling, a friend or a partner.  But in some manner, you feel your trust is smashed and taken away.  It could be as simple as a lie or something as great as an abusive situation.  How do you get that trust back? Do you get it back in that person? Do you learn to trust again, or does that distrust fester just below the surface until someone else comes along and then you just wait, expecting them to do that which the previous person did?  Unable to truly trust anyone again.

However, in this blog, I am going to talk about the type of trust that is the type that is much more damaging than just a simple lie.  I am going to talk about childhood abuse and/or relationship abuse.  Lying may very well be a part of that abuse and in my mind lying can even make that abuse worse because once someone lies, how are you expect to believe anything they say again?

I read an article today that was written with women in mind, yet as I read it I could see myself within it and I was rather taken aback.  I mean I have been in counseling for quite a few years, I knew I had some issues with my history of abuse: childhood and relationship abuse. But, this article just kinda ripped the bandages off and showed the festering, oozing wounds for what they are.

If you would like to read this article go here: “What It Means To Love A Girl Who Lived Through Trauma“.   This article explains what living through abuse trauma is in such a wonderful way. (where you see the … after the first initial set place in s/he or their which ever fits your reading style “…lived through trauma has lived through a situation where …body,…mind, …

“…lived through trauma has lived through a situation where …body,…mind, … self-was not … own. Where … felt disjointed, ripped from … self, safety, and sanity. It was a moment, an experience, a something where … trust was smashed, … worth was gone and all there was was the pain.

A person who has lived through trauma is the person who was pushed into the deep end of the pool when … didn’t know how to swim, but somehow found … way to the ledge anyway. … walked through a forest fire and didn’t succumb to the smoke, but dealt with the burns and made it out in spite of the flames. … found …self in free fall but refused to break upon impact.

… survived. … did.”

It is true, anyone, not just women who have gone through such trauma and have made it through to the other side survived! It doesn’t matter how fucked up we are, we still survived! We (and I am definitely including myself in this) may have to go through years of counseling and still fight our demons and the demons of the past every day but we did survive!

The key in life is to continue surviving, and the thing about trauma is that even when it is over it never really goes away. While you are going through everyday life, “sometimes trauma is loud. Sometimes it’s the monster banging on the windows and screaming gutturally and demonically inside of nightmares. It’s nails on a chalkboard and an earthquake that rattles everyone’s floors. It smashes everything in its wake and forces, no, demands that everyone acknowledge its terrible, terrible presence. … won’t have any choice but to sit with hands clapped over … ears making sounds that are barely human because … just wants everything to stop and it won’t.

But other times, trauma is quiet. It’s sneaky.

It’s the feeling that … is being watched or that … is walking down the street with the word ‘victim’ painted on … forehead in red and everyone is privy to … secrets. It’s the nagging fear that if … goes to sleep … dreams will be anything but restful. It’s the little whisper saying, “You will never be whole again,” that inches its way into the back of … mind and repeats over, and over, and over. And you won’t even see it because … convinces …self that … is the only one who knows that it is there.

It’s the feeling that … is a 100,000 piece puzzle of black and grey and everyone staring at the mess realizes that putting … back together is simply not worth the effort.” <“What It Means To Love A Girl Who Lived Through Trauma“>

Whenever I get into a relationship, I feel that things are great, but of course, I am afraid to tell that person I have just entered into the relationship with everything because after all I am broken and damaged.

I have told myself for years who would really want to be with someone as damaged as I am and if I did open up to them they wouldn’t to worry or deal with all those pieces and putting them back together. So, if they did coax any of the details of my past out of me, I play down the effects they had on me, and just how much I was still dealing with those issues.  I always felt dealing with my own issues,  with my own 100,000 piece puzzle alone. leaving us to deal with the issues of the new relationship. Not taking into consideration that “all those issues of their past and of my past” was part of what made up our relationship. Then, of course, the whole time I was also dealing with trust issues.

All of this leads to the what is called the cycle of abuse.  Every time I think I have healed enough that I have broken that cycle and can enter a healthy relationship, I find myself right back in an unhealthy relationship. Even when I am not focused on hiding my damage or labeling myself as a victim. But, I am still concentrating a good amount of time on healing, because as stated above Trauma never goes away. I also continually have trust issues that I have to deal with.

So, the question is: Will someone who has been through such trauma over and over again, ever going to be in a relationship? Will someone like myself ever going to find that someone who understands the issues that come with feeling like It’s the feeling that I am walking down through life with the word ‘victim’ painted on my forehead in red and everyone is privy to my every secret? That my nagging fear is to not just to stay awake and face every person I come face to face with day to day, but to close my eyes and go to sleep and dream where I will face my demons of the past. It’s the little whisper saying, “You will never be whole again,” that I am not worth a healthy relationship, that if everyone, from my family to my relationships says I am faulty then I must be faulty.

It is all this that leaves me and others like me feeling introverted and wanting to withdraw into ourselves and sometimes physically into our homes away from people. Away from having relationships, to a place where it is “safe”.

What is on my mind? That people who suffer trauma such as life changing, relationship changing trauma is not only women but are men as well. When you are reading articles such as, <“What It Means To Love A Girl Who Lived Through Trauma“>, remember that it isn’t only women who suffer abuse of all kinds, even physical abuse in relationships, even rape.  It isn’t even women who are looking for someone to enter into a relationship with that understands, who are willing to say; “Love, let me help you heal because I believe you can.” and keep that word, not go back on it because it becomes too hard to deal with all the 100,000 pieces.

I NEVER WANT TO BE LIKE MY PARENTS!!!


“I never want to be like my parents!” I hear that so often, hell I said it myself.  But, I was so wrong! I am proud to say I am very much like my Mother AND my father in many ways. This popes into my wondering thoughts this morning as I sat and meditated.

I was thinking about the difference between today’s parents and the way they discipline children and the way my mother and father did, and then I did when it was my turn.

People today would SO think my mom and dad was being abusive if they heard them say; “If you don’t stop I am going to sell you to the gypsies!” We 5 children knew very well neither parent really meant they were going to sell us, or even give us away.

Both parents showed us love every day. Not the cuddle you, tell us they loved us every other minute they loved us, and let you run free and do whatever you wanted. But, they made sure we were fed, taught us right from wrong, went to bat for us if they thought we were being hurt or being treated unfairly even if it was one of our own siblings.

I admit my mother was mostly the one going to bat for us because she was the one who did most of the discipline.

However, they both taught us hard work and to face up to anything we did wrong no matter how small it might be and to make it right.  Our father and mother taught us our word was our bond if you promised something or shook on a deal you damn sure was going to keep your word cause your name meant something, not only to you but the rest of your family and ancestors who came before you.

They also were gentle with us when we were hurt. But spoke very bluntly. They afraid to treat each of their kids different than another of their kids, cause they knew no two person is exactly alike and that goes for children. Some need more freedom, others need more guidance.  Some need a tighter grip and harder discipline, others just need a look and three words said: “I’m so disappointed”.

I laugh cause I have reacted to my grand daughter and even my cats as my parents did with us, and in return I found myself reacting to my daughter as she was growing up, and have had my wife who is 12 years younger than me and from a totally different area react in shock.

It isn’t anything for me to respond with; “stop being a little shithead” or “You are being an ass hole right now”.  We were taught, I taught my daughter and I hope my daughter teaches her daughter, ” I love you but don’t love your actions right now!” Or “I love you but not really liking you right now”

Because it is ok to teach your kids it is possible to love someone but not to love their actions or even like them, but it doesn’t mean you are going to stop loving them or even stop ever liking them, just while they are doing the assolish actions, or as young children so they can separation between you loving them and not liking their actions. That they are not bad, their action is bad.

Thinking over all this, I have to really say thank you to my parents! Because if it weren’t for them, and for the life I lead on the farm. I
really think I be I’ll equipped  to handle the chronic illness that has struck, the constant pain that racks my body.  Because of them I know how to fight this evil that attacks me and never give into it. But even more, thanks to them I have a great relationship with my own daughter.

Thanks, mom and dad for being the parents you were!

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Modern Day Mother’s Day Wishes:


I wish everyone a Happy Modern Mother’s Day. What do I mean by this? Will there are so many other types of mother’s than female gendered mother’s who are married and give birth to their children.  There are those who are single parents, gay fathers who are in the mothers role, divorced father’s who play both roles, as well as, the traditional mothers. All these mothers made up what a modern day Mother’s Day looks like in the 21st-century world.

I do have friends who are upset with this way of thinking, they feel mothers are getting the short end of the stick. Because they say Mothers have their days and Fathers have their day that they shouldn’t be blending the days.  However, just like Mother’s Day, there are also female gendered “fathers” on Father’s Day that should be wished a Happy Father’s Day, as well.  So, it isn’t just a one-way street.

Anyone who does the mother’s duties should be granted the rights to be wished a Happy Mother’s Day.   I was a single father for my daughter from the time she was 6 yrs old and she has been wishing me a Happy Mother’s day since she was 7.

So to all the mothers, motherly fathers, adopted mothers, and furbaby mothers I hope you have a very happy Mother’s Day.

 

America The Hunger Games


I generally don’t post about politics on my blog, at least not that often.  Sometimes something drives me to post my opinion or a thought that strikes me needing to be said. Will this post is the latter, as I read article after article and watch the news about Donald Dump, the real estate mogul and reality television star, getting closer and closer to winning the Republican primary it strikes me as odd that someone who has no governmental experience what so ever. As so many have said; Being a businessman and reality tv show star does not make a president to a country. So how can he win so many votes?

This truly does confound me.  I am at a loss every time Donald Dump wins another primary race in another state I just set confounded and wonder is this country really lost its’ way so much that they can’t see that he is pulling the wool over their eyes, that the media has brainwashed them with reality television shows so much that our world has become its’ own version of the hunger games.  The candidate who can get the most attention can do the craziest antics get the most votes.  Not the candidate who has the best experience, the best policies or has the American people  in mind by running.   If you have the best propaganda then you have the media in your pocket and with propaganda and media you win the hunger games, the prize? Presidency!

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