Wondering and random thoughts from my daily meditations and from life.

Archive for the ‘Wondering Thoughts’ Category

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Page-turner grabbing you and holding you tight in its’ pages!


Received “Bulwark” by Brit Linden a Paranormal – Thriller yesterday to read and write an honest review. I started reading it yesterday evening and made it halfway through before falling asleep. By mid-morning, I had finished the book. “Bulwark” by Brit Linden is a real page-turner!

A book about a sheriff of a small town in Georgia, Bulwark. Recently separated from his wife and lose of his young daughter, has much on his mind when on a night of a full moon things went from troublesome to downright strange. An accident victim tells fantastical stories, then unusual sightings of wolves. He even made a visit to an elusive Gingerbread house.

I was a bit confused a couple spots at the beginning but

 

it quickly cleared up and I was drawn back in each time.

Have a read:

Bullwark by Brit Lunden

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Agree to Disagree – We Have Agreed:


My friend and I are of two minds, she is a Vegetarian and I am a Meat Eater from birth. Grew up on a ranch that grass-fed our cattle, had free range chicken etc.  We also grew our own vegetables and fruit as much as possible.  My father was a big believer in faith and life that you used every aspect of a vegetable and animal that you possibly use, then return the rest to the Earth and give thanks to its’ sacrifice, so that your life could continue.

I have moved from the country to the city, so I may not have carried over EVERY teaching and tradition my father taught me but, I still give thanks for each mouthful I take and for each animal AND PLANT that gives their life so that my life may continue.

Yet, I was recently told that no matter how humane a farm/ranch is to take an animal’s life for food and eat animals is abuse. Ok, I understand this person’s point of view, which my best friend holds as well.  However, my question is this; if eating an animal is abuse then what do you call us encroaching onto the animal’s home’s with houses, cars, roads? you are such animal advocates. Perhaps give up your home, give up your car, a study shows 89 million to 340 million birds suffer fatal injuries from vehicle encounters annually, a range that accounts for dead birds taken by scavengers, carcasses missed by researchers and other uncertainties.  Or perhaps you should boycott skyscrapers, up to a billion birds die in collisions with the glass each year in the United States.

Then there is culling animal breeds: Read this article about the pros and cons of the habit and if it is considered ethical.  In Oklahoma, the habit is used frequently to get the population of deer and cougars down cause they can become overpopulated fast! It also keeps the illegal, unethical killing of animals to a limit cause there is a threat of legal action.

<just a wondering, hypothetical thought> I also wonder what a vegetarian would do if they found themselves facing a wild animal or some other animal who meant them harm? or meant to use “THEM” for food. Would they sit back and say killing the animal is abuse? Because, in the country many times killing an animal is just that life or death, to protect yourself, your family, and that of your livestock/pets. Because there are other animals in this world who are not of the mindset “we can only eat vegetables” That is why some of us – Animals and Animals (which is what we humans are) have canine teeth.

So, as long as I am a  human animal and apart of the food chain I am not going to feel guilty about being part of that food chain and eating vegetables OR meat. That is right, if you feel bad for animals then why not vegetables they are leaving entities too. It has been scientifically proven that they feel pain when part of them is cut off.  So, what makes it right to eat one living entity and not the other? Serious question folks.

Until I can have this seriously answered to me I am going to remain eating my meat and vegitables and continue giving thanks to both for giving me the ability to continue living. Continue giving thanks to the Great Being for giving me life and to Mother Earth for giving nutrients to both animals and plants alike.

We will continue to agree to disagree.

 

 

Credits and Information:

 

More information and arguments on con/pros for vegetarian or not:

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/xd74nd/we-asked-a-botanist-how-sure-science-is-that-plants-cant-feel-pain-302

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/earth-talks-hunting/

https://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2014/03/140305-culling-badgers-deer-bison-swans-ethics-conservation/

https://abcbirds.org/program/glass-collisions/

https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/2014/05/29/bird-deaths-car-crashes/9623931/

Featured image: https://visual.ly/community/infographic/food/vegan-vs-meat-eater

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The Big “C”


A early morning ramble about The Big “C” the definition in the Oxford dictionary is: informal; Cancer.

You know an illness has grown in our environment when the initial of the illness is listed and defined by itself within the world’s Oxford Dictionary.

When you can’t look crossed eyed and someone you know is being diagnosed with or being effected by the deisase.

I have had The Big “C” entered in and out of my life in one way or another since I was a newborn.

When I was born I had marks on my head that the doctors labeled strawberry birthmark. Thank goodness for Mother’s intuition! She went to several doctors until she found one who would listen to her, saying something was not right. These were not birthmarks, especially the one on my forehead. The doctor agree to test the marks and found that they were indeed hemotimiom tumors. The smaller ones were benign. However, the one on my forehead was miglignet and was grow inward, connected to and feeding off of one of the main arteries of my tiny brain. Surgery was quickly done. This was the first time The Big “C” entered my life.

My maternal-granfather died if cancer brought on by Dibieties and smoking (I was only around 4 or 5), my Aunt died if Lung Cancer when I was in my early 30’s, my Dad died of Tongue cancer when I was in my 30’s, my Mom died if Lung/Brain Cancer when I was in my early 40’s, and my sister died in a car crash following an ambulance to hospital that held her husband who had Cancer, I was in my 40’s.

Now, my ex-wife is fighting this monster for the second time and my brother is fighting it as well.

When will the Big “C” get killed for good? When will we no longer hear on a daily bases how a family member or friend is having a “C” scare or being diagnosed with It? When are we going to digbt the pharmaceutical companies, the Goverment and find what is causing more and more die with this Big “C”. Is this Genocide in the mass but threw a silient chemical war fare? These are the things my Bi-polar brain thinks of everytime I hear if anither family or friend diagnosed!

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Sad Face Tonight:


I lost some of the followers! I was so happy to reach 1,000 and now I came on tonight and saw that I am now back to 998. Two of my followers decided to abandon ship!

Will I am still going to do the giveaway and hope that the rest of my loyal followers will share my blog and perhaps my other blog: transhawk.wordpress.com so that we as a group can watch the visitors grow and the followers grow. Then I can share with more people. Perhaps, then more people will become more interactive and communicative.

So, here is to the end of a bad day, today was a really bad day, and the beginning of a good one tomorrow and more followers to come! breath in the good, breath out the bad

Now for the giveaway, I do need some interactive communication here – what type of painting would you like to see me give-away?

A New Mindset


I have been working on losing weight for the past couple of years and as you do when you’re working on losing weight it goes UP and then down.  You fluctuate all over the place you get discouraged and you give up, then you get back to it for what ever reason. My reason is that I need to beat Diabetes and need to get healthy. At the age of 50 and have many different ailments I don’t want to be laid up to early because I have two young daughters, two beautiful grand-daughters, and another grandbaby on the way.  I can not be laid up and unable to be there for them.

She transformed her mind and then her body! Haley Otman

“I used to live for the next meal. Like…literally eating lunch I was thinking about what I would eat for dinner. I have learned to enjoy NEW things about food. I’ve learned to love cooking and am finding new ways every day to make low sugar/carb meals that taste great but don’t keep me from my goals.”

FIRST – I want to say I believe that going all the way to a size two is too small unless you feel this is the size you are comfortable being and you are healthy. I know some people who are size 2 both because of medical issues and because that is just the size they have always been. But, if that is the size you are aiming for because you think that is the size you should be due to peer pressure or “public notions” – nope – be what ever size you feel healthy and comfortable at.

Now that I put that out there, I do agree with what is said in the article and the quote above. Shifting one’s mindset about food and eating in a different way is how to lose weight and keeping it off, not “dieting”.  Remember everyone is different, I am learning about myself, with my nutritionist, I am one who literally doesn’t eat enough. Yes, I know that phrase “doesn’t eat enough” seems contrary to trying to lose weight, I thought so too.

BUT, I forget to eat, I avoid food cause I just have no interest in it, which causes my body to shut down, my metabolism to shut down and start saving the fat for “that rainy day”.

I like to cook, I love to bake but unless I have someone to cook/bake for I could do with out except late at night sitting working on the computer or watching tv then I snack generally on unhealthy food, except I am learning to change this habit, and it is a habit.  When you are changing your mindset you are breaking a habit or working through an addiction.  Some people are literally addicted to food or some foods.  I am addicted to Dr. Pepper, not just any soda but Dr. Pepper and coffee.  So, I have to break these addictions and learn how to live with these addictions but control them. I don’t mean they are like someone who is an alcoholic because I can have a Dr. Pepper and not want another and another etc.  BUT, If I have a Dr. Pepper seems in my mind to say no to more Dr. Pepper day after day.  I just tell myself, oh I just have one a day, or this one won’t hurt me because it is just ONE. Or I even have one when no one is around and not report it on my food log.  These actions are the actions of someone who is addicted.  So, I take it one day at a time

I am addicted to Dr. Pepper, not just any soda but Dr. Pepper and coffee.  So, I have to break these addictions and learn how to live with these addictions but control them. I don’t mean they are like someone who is an alcoholic because I can have a Dr. Pepper and not want another and another etc.  BUT, If I have a Dr. Pepper seems in my mind to say no to more Dr. Pepper day after day.  I just tell myself, oh I just have one a day, or this one won’t hurt me because it is just ONE. Or I even have one when no one is around and not report it on my food log.  These actions are the actions of someone who is addicted.  So, I take it one day at a time and do my best to avoid Dr. Pepper.

I also have a body dysphoria issue, no matter how skinny or bulked up I ever got or will get I will see myself as fat, which partly causes this lack of interest in food but it is other issues too, which I am worked on. These issues keep me from noticing any changes with my body and within myself, this builds discouragement within me. When I am discouraged I tend to return to my “I am not interested in food and hate my body” mode. It is a horrible circle, however, if one works on their mindset towards food and eating differently and on breaking those old habits and addictions they have with and towards food, then being discouraged isn’t apart of the whole thing cause you aren’t in it to actually “look different or lose weight”, you are in it to learn about the way you eat, to learn about healthy foods and what to eat, what makes you healthy.

The losing weight is a side benefit and it also helps you be healthy mentally, physically and emotionally.

Healthy Doesn’t Mean A Tasteless Life.


I am proof that someone who is limited in what they are able to do physically is still able to lose weight and live a healthy life!  I was down to 174 nine years ago. Then I stopped eating healthy and stopped doing the one thing that kept me healthy besides eating healthy, WALKING.

I went from 300 down to 174 by eating healthy and walking.  I don’t mean strolling around my apartment or around a block every so often, but walking everywhere I went and climbing stairs instead of taking elevators, (of course I had to build up to this).

But, then I stopped! I stopped eating healthy, I stopped walking everywhere and taking stairs. I stopped everything healthy.  Lots of this was due to grief, but there were other reasons.  No matter the reason I went back up to 258 and my chronic pain got worse, my depression and anxiety grew again, the weakness in my muscles grew even worse, so many of my illness and disabilities came back and in force.

I have now set a goal to get back to eating healthy and get back into stretching, doing light exercises that my Physical Therapist or Doctor have approved). I am also going to get back to walking further and further and then hopefully without be able to do away with my walker so I can start taking stairs again.  Weight goal is to go from 258 down to 174 again. I want to be in my 38 jeans if I make it to my 38 jeans before I hit 174, I will be happy with the weight I become as long as it is below 200.

I have a weight goal to go from 258 down to 174 again. I want to be in my 38 jeans if I make it to my 38 jeans before I hit 174, I will be happy with the weight I become as long as it is below 200.

The weight you should be is always figured based on your BMI. BMI is your weight over your height squared. For instance, my BMI is; 241 over 5’1 equals 45.5 which is obese.

BMI
Underweight
Below 18.5
Normal
18.5–24.9
Overweight
25.0–29.9
Obesity
30.0 and Above

There are many different risks for being unhealthy even if you are not over-weight.

Risk Factors

  • High blood pressure (hypertension)
  • High LDL cholesterol (“bad” cholesterol)
  • Low HDL cholesterol (“good” cholesterol)
  • High triglycerides
  • High blood glucose (sugar)
  • Family history of premature heart disease
  • Physical inactivity
  • Cigarette smoking

My mom is an example of this; she was a very active woman who only weighed about 125 or less and was 5′ all her life. However, she wasn’t healthy, because she had bad unhealthy habits. She smoked, she had a lot of stress in her life, and she got older she didn’t eat the healthiest.  Because of unhealthy habits, not BMI or weight, she had heart disease, high cholesterol, and died of Cancer.

It doesn’t matter what your weight is or who you are if you don’t have healthy habits you are going to have an unhealthy life, body, and mind.   I am going to work towards getting my life, body, and mind back into sync so life isn’t tasteless anymore, that I have a very healthy life, which leads to a much more balanced life.

I will keep track of this journey here.  I have already lost to 241/245 I weight at my doctors tomorrow to be sure and will do my body measurements soon.  I will start doing a food diary as well as post recipes of the food I eat.  Remember, Healthy Doesn’t Mean A Tasteless Life. This means food can be spiced with herbs instead of salt, which causes you to retain water or sugar, which causes you to gain weight.  When you start eating with food that is tasty and not loaded down with salt and sugar your life because less tasteless because your body reacts to this change, your health gets better, your pain levels lessen, and then your mind becomes less tasteless because it stops reacting to the negative input that  your body kept pounding your mind with.

Here to a less tasteless life!

 

Blessings for now,

TrinityHawk

 

What is on my mind….


What is on my mind…. This is really a loaded question!  So many things these days are on my mind: politics, social economics, schooling, art, my family, my friends, my health, my marriage, and so many other things.

But, for this post this talk about trauma. What type of trauma? A type of trauma where one feels their trust is smashed. It could be one’s parent, a sibling, a friend or a partner.  But in some manner, you feel your trust is smashed and taken away.  It could be as simple as a lie or something as great as an abusive situation.  How do you get that trust back? Do you get it back in that person? Do you learn to trust again, or does that distrust fester just below the surface until someone else comes along and then you just wait, expecting them to do that which the previous person did?  Unable to truly trust anyone again.

However, in this blog, I am going to talk about the type of trust that is the type that is much more damaging than just a simple lie.  I am going to talk about childhood abuse and/or relationship abuse.  Lying may very well be a part of that abuse and in my mind lying can even make that abuse worse because once someone lies, how are you expect to believe anything they say again?

I read an article today that was written with women in mind, yet as I read it I could see myself within it and I was rather taken aback.  I mean I have been in counseling for quite a few years, I knew I had some issues with my history of abuse: childhood and relationship abuse. But, this article just kinda ripped the bandages off and showed the festering, oozing wounds for what they are.

If you would like to read this article go here: “What It Means To Love A Girl Who Lived Through Trauma“.   This article explains what living through abuse trauma is in such a wonderful way. (where you see the … after the first initial set place in s/he or their which ever fits your reading style “…lived through trauma has lived through a situation where …body,…mind, …

“…lived through trauma has lived through a situation where …body,…mind, … self-was not … own. Where … felt disjointed, ripped from … self, safety, and sanity. It was a moment, an experience, a something where … trust was smashed, … worth was gone and all there was was the pain.

A person who has lived through trauma is the person who was pushed into the deep end of the pool when … didn’t know how to swim, but somehow found … way to the ledge anyway. … walked through a forest fire and didn’t succumb to the smoke, but dealt with the burns and made it out in spite of the flames. … found …self in free fall but refused to break upon impact.

… survived. … did.”

It is true, anyone, not just women who have gone through such trauma and have made it through to the other side survived! It doesn’t matter how fucked up we are, we still survived! We (and I am definitely including myself in this) may have to go through years of counseling and still fight our demons and the demons of the past every day but we did survive!

The key in life is to continue surviving, and the thing about trauma is that even when it is over it never really goes away. While you are going through everyday life, “sometimes trauma is loud. Sometimes it’s the monster banging on the windows and screaming gutturally and demonically inside of nightmares. It’s nails on a chalkboard and an earthquake that rattles everyone’s floors. It smashes everything in its wake and forces, no, demands that everyone acknowledge its terrible, terrible presence. … won’t have any choice but to sit with hands clapped over … ears making sounds that are barely human because … just wants everything to stop and it won’t.

But other times, trauma is quiet. It’s sneaky.

It’s the feeling that … is being watched or that … is walking down the street with the word ‘victim’ painted on … forehead in red and everyone is privy to … secrets. It’s the nagging fear that if … goes to sleep … dreams will be anything but restful. It’s the little whisper saying, “You will never be whole again,” that inches its way into the back of … mind and repeats over, and over, and over. And you won’t even see it because … convinces …self that … is the only one who knows that it is there.

It’s the feeling that … is a 100,000 piece puzzle of black and grey and everyone staring at the mess realizes that putting … back together is simply not worth the effort.” <“What It Means To Love A Girl Who Lived Through Trauma“>

Whenever I get into a relationship, I feel that things are great, but of course, I am afraid to tell that person I have just entered into the relationship with everything because after all I am broken and damaged.

I have told myself for years who would really want to be with someone as damaged as I am and if I did open up to them they wouldn’t to worry or deal with all those pieces and putting them back together. So, if they did coax any of the details of my past out of me, I play down the effects they had on me, and just how much I was still dealing with those issues.  I always felt dealing with my own issues,  with my own 100,000 piece puzzle alone. leaving us to deal with the issues of the new relationship. Not taking into consideration that “all those issues of their past and of my past” was part of what made up our relationship. Then, of course, the whole time I was also dealing with trust issues.

All of this leads to the what is called the cycle of abuse.  Every time I think I have healed enough that I have broken that cycle and can enter a healthy relationship, I find myself right back in an unhealthy relationship. Even when I am not focused on hiding my damage or labeling myself as a victim. But, I am still concentrating a good amount of time on healing, because as stated above Trauma never goes away. I also continually have trust issues that I have to deal with.

So, the question is: Will someone who has been through such trauma over and over again, ever going to be in a relationship? Will someone like myself ever going to find that someone who understands the issues that come with feeling like It’s the feeling that I am walking down through life with the word ‘victim’ painted on my forehead in red and everyone is privy to my every secret? That my nagging fear is to not just to stay awake and face every person I come face to face with day to day, but to close my eyes and go to sleep and dream where I will face my demons of the past. It’s the little whisper saying, “You will never be whole again,” that I am not worth a healthy relationship, that if everyone, from my family to my relationships says I am faulty then I must be faulty.

It is all this that leaves me and others like me feeling introverted and wanting to withdraw into ourselves and sometimes physically into our homes away from people. Away from having relationships, to a place where it is “safe”.

What is on my mind? That people who suffer trauma such as life changing, relationship changing trauma is not only women but are men as well. When you are reading articles such as, <“What It Means To Love A Girl Who Lived Through Trauma“>, remember that it isn’t only women who suffer abuse of all kinds, even physical abuse in relationships, even rape.  It isn’t even women who are looking for someone to enter into a relationship with that understands, who are willing to say; “Love, let me help you heal because I believe you can.” and keep that word, not go back on it because it becomes too hard to deal with all the 100,000 pieces.

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