Wondering and random thoughts from my daily meditations and from life.

A New Mindset

I have been working on losing weight for the past couple of years and as you do when you’re working on losing weight it goes UP and then down.  You fluctuate all over the place you get discouraged and you give up, then you get back to it for what ever reason. My reason is that I need to beat Diabetes and need to get healthy. At the age of 50 and have many different ailments I don’t want to be laid up to early because I have two young daughters, two beautiful grand-daughters, and another grandbaby on the way.  I can not be laid up and unable to be there for them.

She transformed her mind and then her body! Haley Otman

“I used to live for the next meal. Like…literally eating lunch I was thinking about what I would eat for dinner. I have learned to enjoy NEW things about food. I’ve learned to love cooking and am finding new ways every day to make low sugar/carb meals that taste great but don’t keep me from my goals.”

FIRST – I want to say I believe that going all the way to a size two is too small unless you feel this is the size you are comfortable being and you are healthy. I know some people who are size 2 both because of medical issues and because that is just the size they have always been. But, if that is the size you are aiming for because you think that is the size you should be due to peer pressure or “public notions” – nope – be what ever size you feel healthy and comfortable at.

Now that I put that out there, I do agree with what is said in the article and the quote above. Shifting one’s mindset about food and eating in a different way is how to lose weight and keeping it off, not “dieting”.  Remember everyone is different, I am learning about myself, with my nutritionist, I am one who literally doesn’t eat enough. Yes, I know that phrase “doesn’t eat enough” seems contrary to trying to lose weight, I thought so too.

BUT, I forget to eat, I avoid food cause I just have no interest in it, which causes my body to shut down, my metabolism to shut down and start saving the fat for “that rainy day”.

I like to cook, I love to bake but unless I have someone to cook/bake for I could do with out except late at night sitting working on the computer or watching tv then I snack generally on unhealthy food, except I am learning to change this habit, and it is a habit.  When you are changing your mindset you are breaking a habit or working through an addiction.  Some people are literally addicted to food or some foods.  I am addicted to Dr. Pepper, not just any soda but Dr. Pepper and coffee.  So, I have to break these addictions and learn how to live with these addictions but control them. I don’t mean they are like someone who is an alcoholic because I can have a Dr. Pepper and not want another and another etc.  BUT, If I have a Dr. Pepper seems in my mind to say no to more Dr. Pepper day after day.  I just tell myself, oh I just have one a day, or this one won’t hurt me because it is just ONE. Or I even have one when no one is around and not report it on my food log.  These actions are the actions of someone who is addicted.  So, I take it one day at a time

I am addicted to Dr. Pepper, not just any soda but Dr. Pepper and coffee.  So, I have to break these addictions and learn how to live with these addictions but control them. I don’t mean they are like someone who is an alcoholic because I can have a Dr. Pepper and not want another and another etc.  BUT, If I have a Dr. Pepper seems in my mind to say no to more Dr. Pepper day after day.  I just tell myself, oh I just have one a day, or this one won’t hurt me because it is just ONE. Or I even have one when no one is around and not report it on my food log.  These actions are the actions of someone who is addicted.  So, I take it one day at a time and do my best to avoid Dr. Pepper.

I also have a body dysphoria issue, no matter how skinny or bulked up I ever got or will get I will see myself as fat, which partly causes this lack of interest in food but it is other issues too, which I am worked on. These issues keep me from noticing any changes with my body and within myself, this builds discouragement within me. When I am discouraged I tend to return to my “I am not interested in food and hate my body” mode. It is a horrible circle, however, if one works on their mindset towards food and eating differently and on breaking those old habits and addictions they have with and towards food, then being discouraged isn’t apart of the whole thing cause you aren’t in it to actually “look different or lose weight”, you are in it to learn about the way you eat, to learn about healthy foods and what to eat, what makes you healthy.

The losing weight is a side benefit and it also helps you be healthy mentally, physically and emotionally.


I am proof that someone who is limited in what they are able to do physically is still able to lose weight and live a healthy life!  I was down to 174 nine years ago. Then I stopped eating healthy and stopped doing the one thing that kept me healthy besides eating healthy, WALKING.

I went from 300 down to 174 by eating healthy and walking.  I don’t mean strolling around my apartment or around a block every so often, but walking everywhere I went and climbing stairs instead of taking elevators, (of course I had to build up to this).

But, then I stopped! I stopped eating healthy, I stopped walking everywhere and taking stairs. I stopped everything healthy.  Lots of this was due to grief, but there were other reasons.  No matter the reason I went back up to 258 and my chronic pain got worse, my depression and anxiety grew again, the weakness in my muscles grew even worse, so many of my illness and disabilities came back and in force.

I have now set a goal to get back to eating healthy and get back into stretching, doing light exercises that my Physical Therapist or Doctor have approved). I am also going to get back to walking further and further and then hopefully without be able to do away with my walker so I can start taking stairs again.  Weight goal is to go from 258 down to 174 again. I want to be in my 38 jeans if I make it to my 38 jeans before I hit 174, I will be happy with the weight I become as long as it is below 200.

I have a weight goal to go from 258 down to 174 again. I want to be in my 38 jeans if I make it to my 38 jeans before I hit 174, I will be happy with the weight I become as long as it is below 200.

The weight you should be is always figured based on your BMI. BMI is your weight over your height squared. For instance, my BMI is; 241 over 5’1 equals 45.5 which is obese.

Below 18.5
30.0 and Above

There are many different risks for being unhealthy even if you are not over-weight.

Risk Factors

  • High blood pressure (hypertension)
  • High LDL cholesterol (“bad” cholesterol)
  • Low HDL cholesterol (“good” cholesterol)
  • High triglycerides
  • High blood glucose (sugar)
  • Family history of premature heart disease
  • Physical inactivity
  • Cigarette smoking

My mom is an example of this; she was a very active woman who only weighed about 125 or less and was 5′ all her life. However, she wasn’t healthy, because she had bad unhealthy habits. She smoked, she had a lot of stress in her life, and she got older she didn’t eat the healthiest.  Because of unhealthy habits, not BMI or weight, she had heart disease, high cholesterol, and died of Cancer.

It doesn’t matter what your weight is or who you are if you don’t have healthy habits you are going to have an unhealthy life, body, and mind.   I am going to work towards getting my life, body, and mind back into sync so life isn’t tasteless anymore, that I have a very healthy life, which leads to a much more balanced life.

I will keep track of this journey here.  I have already lost to 241/245 I weight at my doctors tomorrow to be sure and will do my body measurements soon.  I will start doing a food diary as well as post recipes of the food I eat.  Remember, Healthy Doesn’t Mean A Tasteless Life. This means food can be spiced with herbs instead of salt, which causes you to retain water or sugar, which causes you to gain weight.  When you start eating with food that is tasty and not loaded down with salt and sugar your life because less tasteless because your body reacts to this change, your health gets better, your pain levels lessen, and then your mind becomes less tasteless because it stops reacting to the negative input that  your body kept pounding your mind with.

Here to a less tasteless life!


Blessings for now,



What is on my mind….

What is on my mind…. This is really a loaded question!  So many things these days are on my mind: politics, social economics, schooling, art, my family, my friends, my health, my marriage, and so many other things.

But, for this post this talk about trauma. What type of trauma? A type of trauma where one feels their trust is smashed. It could be one’s parent, a sibling, a friend or a partner.  But in some manner, you feel your trust is smashed and taken away.  It could be as simple as a lie or something as great as an abusive situation.  How do you get that trust back? Do you get it back in that person? Do you learn to trust again, or does that distrust fester just below the surface until someone else comes along and then you just wait, expecting them to do that which the previous person did?  Unable to truly trust anyone again.

However, in this blog, I am going to talk about the type of trust that is the type that is much more damaging than just a simple lie.  I am going to talk about childhood abuse and/or relationship abuse.  Lying may very well be a part of that abuse and in my mind lying can even make that abuse worse because once someone lies, how are you expect to believe anything they say again?

I read an article today that was written with women in mind, yet as I read it I could see myself within it and I was rather taken aback.  I mean I have been in counseling for quite a few years, I knew I had some issues with my history of abuse: childhood and relationship abuse. But, this article just kinda ripped the bandages off and showed the festering, oozing wounds for what they are.

If you would like to read this article go here: “What It Means To Love A Girl Who Lived Through Trauma“.   This article explains what living through abuse trauma is in such a wonderful way. (where you see the … after the first initial set place in s/he or their which ever fits your reading style “…lived through trauma has lived through a situation where …body,…mind, …

“…lived through trauma has lived through a situation where …body,…mind, … self-was not … own. Where … felt disjointed, ripped from … self, safety, and sanity. It was a moment, an experience, a something where … trust was smashed, … worth was gone and all there was was the pain.

A person who has lived through trauma is the person who was pushed into the deep end of the pool when … didn’t know how to swim, but somehow found … way to the ledge anyway. … walked through a forest fire and didn’t succumb to the smoke, but dealt with the burns and made it out in spite of the flames. … found …self in free fall but refused to break upon impact.

… survived. … did.”

It is true, anyone, not just women who have gone through such trauma and have made it through to the other side survived! It doesn’t matter how fucked up we are, we still survived! We (and I am definitely including myself in this) may have to go through years of counseling and still fight our demons and the demons of the past every day but we did survive!

The key in life is to continue surviving, and the thing about trauma is that even when it is over it never really goes away. While you are going through everyday life, “sometimes trauma is loud. Sometimes it’s the monster banging on the windows and screaming gutturally and demonically inside of nightmares. It’s nails on a chalkboard and an earthquake that rattles everyone’s floors. It smashes everything in its wake and forces, no, demands that everyone acknowledge its terrible, terrible presence. … won’t have any choice but to sit with hands clapped over … ears making sounds that are barely human because … just wants everything to stop and it won’t.

But other times, trauma is quiet. It’s sneaky.

It’s the feeling that … is being watched or that … is walking down the street with the word ‘victim’ painted on … forehead in red and everyone is privy to … secrets. It’s the nagging fear that if … goes to sleep … dreams will be anything but restful. It’s the little whisper saying, “You will never be whole again,” that inches its way into the back of … mind and repeats over, and over, and over. And you won’t even see it because … convinces …self that … is the only one who knows that it is there.

It’s the feeling that … is a 100,000 piece puzzle of black and grey and everyone staring at the mess realizes that putting … back together is simply not worth the effort.” <“What It Means To Love A Girl Who Lived Through Trauma“>

Whenever I get into a relationship, I feel that things are great, but of course, I am afraid to tell that person I have just entered into the relationship with everything because after all I am broken and damaged.

I have told myself for years who would really want to be with someone as damaged as I am and if I did open up to them they wouldn’t to worry or deal with all those pieces and putting them back together. So, if they did coax any of the details of my past out of me, I play down the effects they had on me, and just how much I was still dealing with those issues.  I always felt dealing with my own issues,  with my own 100,000 piece puzzle alone. leaving us to deal with the issues of the new relationship. Not taking into consideration that “all those issues of their past and of my past” was part of what made up our relationship. Then, of course, the whole time I was also dealing with trust issues.

All of this leads to the what is called the cycle of abuse.  Every time I think I have healed enough that I have broken that cycle and can enter a healthy relationship, I find myself right back in an unhealthy relationship. Even when I am not focused on hiding my damage or labeling myself as a victim. But, I am still concentrating a good amount of time on healing, because as stated above Trauma never goes away. I also continually have trust issues that I have to deal with.

So, the question is: Will someone who has been through such trauma over and over again, ever going to be in a relationship? Will someone like myself ever going to find that someone who understands the issues that come with feeling like It’s the feeling that I am walking down through life with the word ‘victim’ painted on my forehead in red and everyone is privy to my every secret? That my nagging fear is to not just to stay awake and face every person I come face to face with day to day, but to close my eyes and go to sleep and dream where I will face my demons of the past. It’s the little whisper saying, “You will never be whole again,” that I am not worth a healthy relationship, that if everyone, from my family to my relationships says I am faulty then I must be faulty.

It is all this that leaves me and others like me feeling introverted and wanting to withdraw into ourselves and sometimes physically into our homes away from people. Away from having relationships, to a place where it is “safe”.

What is on my mind? That people who suffer trauma such as life changing, relationship changing trauma is not only women but are men as well. When you are reading articles such as, <“What It Means To Love A Girl Who Lived Through Trauma“>, remember that it isn’t only women who suffer abuse of all kinds, even physical abuse in relationships, even rape.  It isn’t even women who are looking for someone to enter into a relationship with that understands, who are willing to say; “Love, let me help you heal because I believe you can.” and keep that word, not go back on it because it becomes too hard to deal with all the 100,000 pieces.

I read this blog and felt moved to reblog it! The Author is asking Muslims – when Trumpets have had enough of harassing them, (Muslims), and turn from them and turn to bullying the gay man two doors down will they stand watch so they can sleep safely, or will they stand up for the gay man? Will the Muslim escort the woman past the baying mob to the health center, will s/he link arms with the Rabbi to keep the fascists from the synagogue? That is the challenge this Muslim author is putting out there to other Muslims in the face of Trumpets and their threat to diversity. However, it is the same challenge I put out to all Americans. This is a land of diversity, land of the free. Will you stand up with the person next to you? Be they a different sexuality, different race, different religion, etc? If you want people to stand up for you, you need to stand up for them. That’s the diversity deal. – Go read the article I reblogged and you won’t be disappointed. Plus, please – take the diversity challenge – stand up for your fellow American no matter how different they are and see them stand up for you!

Ali Abbas


Diversity and inclusion are wonderful when they work in your favour. In the last week, Muslims like myself have been the beneficiaries of the world’s love and understanding. At airports around the United States people with open, liberal minds have acknowledged that most of us are just ordinary folk. We only want to live and work in peace and free from fear. Owing no allegiance other than our shared humanity these generous and passionate people stood up for our rights and our cause.

I’ll admit that I am conflicted. There are so many sides to what has happened that I am not sure how to reconcile them all. Let me lay them out for you.

Perhaps easiest to understand is that I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love in the face of an act of hate. It is a bright light in a time of encroaching darkness…

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I was sent these AYL AX8 Boothtooth earphone at a discounted price to give an honest review. It took me a bit to figure out how to connect them to two connections at once, mainly my Samsung Galaxy S5.

I finally was able to get it hooked up to both my computer (running Windows 10) and my Samsung Galaxy S5. I also had it connected to my old Motorola and Blackberry. I like having it connected to my computer and my Samsung phone cause I can listen to my music or audiobook as I am cleaning or working in my studio and if someone calls I can switch to my phone and talk hands-free. I would most certainly recommend this Bluetooth product to anyone, from the less active person to the athletic who is more active because they fit nice and secure in my ears and I have very sensitive ears.

#AYLBTEarphone http://amzn.to/2bcXKjt

I love adding fruit to my water, this is a great post on doing just this. What a great refreshing summer “treat” that keeps you refreshed and hydrated. Believe me, I don’t like drinking water, but since I have been adding fruit to my water I have increased drinking water by none to more than a liter a day. I drink 2 or 3 cups of coffee in the morning then I start drinking water. I have cut soda completely out of my diet and have replaced it with water.

Three Dollar Ninja

Cool, sweet — yet totally healthy — treat for the spring and summer months:

Frozen berries and/or fruit in a water bottle helps keep your water cooler, and adds a touch of flavor naturally. (Bonus: you can eat the berries and fruit after drinking the water!) My personal favorite combination is frozen strawberries and frozen peaches!

You may have to cut your berries and fruit up to fit them into the water bottle.

A bottle with a wider mouth is definitely ideal — I ♥love♥ my Eco water bottle from Tupperware! I have the medium-sized one. You can find them by going to http://beverlywuellner.my.tupperware.com/ and searching for “Eco Water Bottle.”

Now, with the exception of your water bottle being in excessive heat for prolonged periods of time, you can generally keep the same fruit/berries in your water bottle for up to 24 hours. I typically refill mine with refrigerated water…

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“I never want to be like my parents!” I hear that so often, hell I said it myself.  But, I was so wrong! I am proud to say I am very much like my Mother AND my father in many ways. This popes into my wondering thoughts this morning as I sat and meditated.

I was thinking about the difference between today’s parents and the way they discipline children and the way my mother and father did, and then I did when it was my turn.

People today would SO think my mom and dad was being abusive if they heard them say; “If you don’t stop I am going to sell you to the gypsies!” We 5 children knew very well neither parent really meant they were going to sell us, or even give us away.

Both parents showed us love every day. Not the cuddle you, tell us they loved us every other minute they loved us, and let you run free and do whatever you wanted. But, they made sure we were fed, taught us right from wrong, went to bat for us if they thought we were being hurt or being treated unfairly even if it was one of our own siblings.

I admit my mother was mostly the one going to bat for us because she was the one who did most of the discipline.

However, they both taught us hard work and to face up to anything we did wrong no matter how small it might be and to make it right.  Our father and mother taught us our word was our bond if you promised something or shook on a deal you damn sure was going to keep your word cause your name meant something, not only to you but the rest of your family and ancestors who came before you.

They also were gentle with us when we were hurt. But spoke very bluntly. They afraid to treat each of their kids different than another of their kids, cause they knew no two person is exactly alike and that goes for children. Some need more freedom, others need more guidance.  Some need a tighter grip and harder discipline, others just need a look and three words said: “I’m so disappointed”.

I laugh cause I have reacted to my grand daughter and even my cats as my parents did with us, and in return I found myself reacting to my daughter as she was growing up, and have had my wife who is 12 years younger than me and from a totally different area react in shock.

It isn’t anything for me to respond with; “stop being a little shithead” or “You are being an ass hole right now”.  We were taught, I taught my daughter and I hope my daughter teaches her daughter, ” I love you but don’t love your actions right now!” Or “I love you but not really liking you right now”

Because it is ok to teach your kids it is possible to love someone but not to love their actions or even like them, but it doesn’t mean you are going to stop loving them or even stop ever liking them, just while they are doing the assolish actions, or as young children so they can separation between you loving them and not liking their actions. That they are not bad, their action is bad.

Thinking over all this, I have to really say thank you to my parents! Because if it weren’t for them, and for the life I lead on the farm. I
really think I be I’ll equipped  to handle the chronic illness that has struck, the constant pain that racks my body.  Because of them I know how to fight this evil that attacks me and never give into it. But even more, thanks to them I have a great relationship with my own daughter.

Thanks, mom and dad for being the parents you were!




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