Wondering Thoughts of a Native Knight

Posts tagged ‘love’

What is on my mind….


What is on my mind…. This is really a loaded question!  So many things these days are on my mind: politics, social economics, schooling, art, my family, my friends, my health, my marriage, and so many other things.

But, for this post this talk about trauma. What type of trauma? A type of trauma where one feels their trust is smashed. It could be one’s parent, a sibling, a friend or a partner.  But in some manner, you feel your trust is smashed and taken away.  It could be as simple as a lie or something as great as an abusive situation.  How do you get that trust back? Do you get it back in that person? Do you learn to trust again, or does that distrust fester just below the surface until someone else comes along and then you just wait, expecting them to do that which the previous person did?  Unable to truly trust anyone again.

However, in this blog, I am going to talk about the type of trust that is the type that is much more damaging than just a simple lie.  I am going to talk about childhood abuse and/or relationship abuse.  Lying may very well be a part of that abuse and in my mind lying can even make that abuse worse because once someone lies, how are you expect to believe anything they say again?

I read an article today that was written with women in mind, yet as I read it I could see myself within it and I was rather taken aback.  I mean I have been in counseling for quite a few years, I knew I had some issues with my history of abuse: childhood and relationship abuse. But, this article just kinda ripped the bandages off and showed the festering, oozing wounds for what they are.

If you would like to read this article go here: “What It Means To Love A Girl Who Lived Through Trauma“.   This article explains what living through abuse trauma is in such a wonderful way. (where you see the … after the first initial set place in s/he or their which ever fits your reading style “…lived through trauma has lived through a situation where …body,…mind, …

“…lived through trauma has lived through a situation where …body,…mind, … self-was not … own. Where … felt disjointed, ripped from … self, safety, and sanity. It was a moment, an experience, a something where … trust was smashed, … worth was gone and all there was was the pain.

A person who has lived through trauma is the person who was pushed into the deep end of the pool when … didn’t know how to swim, but somehow found … way to the ledge anyway. … walked through a forest fire and didn’t succumb to the smoke, but dealt with the burns and made it out in spite of the flames. … found …self in free fall but refused to break upon impact.

… survived. … did.”

It is true, anyone, not just women who have gone through such trauma and have made it through to the other side survived! It doesn’t matter how fucked up we are, we still survived! We (and I am definitely including myself in this) may have to go through years of counseling and still fight our demons and the demons of the past every day but we did survive!

The key in life is to continue surviving, and the thing about trauma is that even when it is over it never really goes away. While you are going through everyday life, “sometimes trauma is loud. Sometimes it’s the monster banging on the windows and screaming gutturally and demonically inside of nightmares. It’s nails on a chalkboard and an earthquake that rattles everyone’s floors. It smashes everything in its wake and forces, no, demands that everyone acknowledge its terrible, terrible presence. … won’t have any choice but to sit with hands clapped over … ears making sounds that are barely human because … just wants everything to stop and it won’t.

But other times, trauma is quiet. It’s sneaky.

It’s the feeling that … is being watched or that … is walking down the street with the word ‘victim’ painted on … forehead in red and everyone is privy to … secrets. It’s the nagging fear that if … goes to sleep … dreams will be anything but restful. It’s the little whisper saying, “You will never be whole again,” that inches its way into the back of … mind and repeats over, and over, and over. And you won’t even see it because … convinces …self that … is the only one who knows that it is there.

It’s the feeling that … is a 100,000 piece puzzle of black and grey and everyone staring at the mess realizes that putting … back together is simply not worth the effort.” <“What It Means To Love A Girl Who Lived Through Trauma“>

Whenever I get into a relationship, I feel that things are great, but of course, I am afraid to tell that person I have just entered into the relationship with everything because after all I am broken and damaged.

I have told myself for years who would really want to be with someone as damaged as I am and if I did open up to them they wouldn’t to worry or deal with all those pieces and putting them back together. So, if they did coax any of the details of my past out of me, I play down the effects they had on me, and just how much I was still dealing with those issues.  I always felt dealing with my own issues,  with my own 100,000 piece puzzle alone. leaving us to deal with the issues of the new relationship. Not taking into consideration that “all those issues of their past and of my past” was part of what made up our relationship. Then, of course, the whole time I was also dealing with trust issues.

All of this leads to the what is called the cycle of abuse.  Every time I think I have healed enough that I have broken that cycle and can enter a healthy relationship, I find myself right back in an unhealthy relationship. Even when I am not focused on hiding my damage or labeling myself as a victim. But, I am still concentrating a good amount of time on healing, because as stated above Trauma never goes away. I also continually have trust issues that I have to deal with.

So, the question is: Will someone who has been through such trauma over and over again, ever going to be in a relationship? Will someone like myself ever going to find that someone who understands the issues that come with feeling like It’s the feeling that I am walking down through life with the word ‘victim’ painted on my forehead in red and everyone is privy to my every secret? That my nagging fear is to not just to stay awake and face every person I come face to face with day to day, but to close my eyes and go to sleep and dream where I will face my demons of the past. It’s the little whisper saying, “You will never be whole again,” that I am not worth a healthy relationship, that if everyone, from my family to my relationships says I am faulty then I must be faulty.

It is all this that leaves me and others like me feeling introverted and wanting to withdraw into ourselves and sometimes physically into our homes away from people. Away from having relationships, to a place where it is “safe”.

What is on my mind? That people who suffer trauma such as life changing, relationship changing trauma is not only women but are men as well. When you are reading articles such as, <“What It Means To Love A Girl Who Lived Through Trauma“>, remember that it isn’t only women who suffer abuse of all kinds, even physical abuse in relationships, even rape.  It isn’t even women who are looking for someone to enter into a relationship with that understands, who are willing to say; “Love, let me help you heal because I believe you can.” and keep that word, not go back on it because it becomes too hard to deal with all the 100,000 pieces.

Faith = Lifestyle Not A Religion


With all the mass shootings over the past few days, which have happen in Paris, Beirut, Oregon college, and other places, I thought I would post about Faith and rules by which I live my life, and why.

I post daily on my FB feed a small something about my thoughts, about politics, religion, humanity, etc.  I am a very blunt person and do not feel holding back will prove anything or teach anything to the next person reading or listening to what I have to say.   I have always believed I was put here on this Earth, and gone through what I have been put through from a very young age so that I may teach others.  Now if others listen that is up to them.  If others believe the same as me, again that is up to them.

As much as some may believe, I am not “preaching”.  Even though I am an Ordain Minister, study religions, and practicing Buddhist.  I do not believe in INSISTING my beliefs be everyone’s beliefs.  But, as said before, I do believe in being blunt about my thoughts and educating others on what I have learned over the years.  In this way I educate.

The title of this blog is: Faith = Not A Religion.  Now I do believe their are MANY religions on this Earth and they have their place.  They give the people who follow each one a ritual, a way to focus their faith.  I do not believe that their is only ONE face of the creator.  (again this is MY belief, I am not requesting or saying it needs to be yours).   However, FAITH – faith has really very little to do with RELIGION.

Once their is clear understand of the meaning of the two words religion and faith, understanding the difference between them is not that hard. Both words are often confused because it is thought that there is a interchangeable in their meanings. Strictly speaking, both the words are different in terms of their concepts and connotations. They may not have some similarity in their meaning, but religion and faith are very much have a reciprocal relationship in the field of religion. In the world of religion, without faith, you cannot be a follower of any religion. Even to be an atheist, you need to have faith in not believing in God. Now I know some Atheist who would disagree with that statement. Will I explain my reasoning behind this statement later on in this article.

Faith, is often spoken of coming from our heart/soul. When we use it normally, is used to mean a sense of trust.  Faith is generally is a complete confidence or trust in something/someone. Faith is not based on proof. This is why I say Atheist have faith, for they have complete confidence and/or trust in the fact that their is no God with out proof.

Faith shows how much one trust someone or something, not necessarily a God but perhaps a belief or someone or something you need to rely on.  Faith with in religion – not as the religion:  faith consists of the belief in one or more gods or deities, or none at all. However, this always does not have to be the belief in deities and gods as all religions do not believe in the god concept, but follow teachings taught by teachers and mentors instead. So, faith in this case is the faith in the teachings of someone and the lessons of life.  Faith is usually accompanied by hope because when we use the word faith to show that we trust someone, we are hoping that our trust is placed correctly. If we study how faith is built, we can see that faith is built on the belief. When faith becomes strong and unshakable, we become strong within ourselves which can be called awaking into our belief or some ball it being called to our religious choice.

Religion is not Faith,  so what is it? Religion is based on cultures and the rules they have created over time which they have named beliefs. At the same time, religion influences the culture too. Religion builds character and morality.

Religious leaders at one time were the Kings and Queens advisers, they helped draw up the rules which governed the people. Today religious leaders impart primary knowledge about the respective dogmas and tenets, which governor the people who follow different religions.  They try to build faith in the corresponding religion in the minds of the people. Thus, religion and faith are related to each other although they are different from each other.

Below is my way of life that guides my faith:  I do not think of these rules as my religion because I do not have a “religion” I practice Buddhism as in I try and live a lifestyle guided by the teachings of Buddha and Buddha says their is no almighty God.  This I do not believe (this is not my faith. What I trust within my heart/soul).  However, I do believe that the rules we live our life by, that guides our faith, are also what should be what guides our daily lifestyle and with this in mind – these are mine:


The greatest achievement is selflessness.
The greatest worth is self-mastery.
The greatest quality is seeking to serve others.
The greatest precept is continual awareness.
The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything.
The greatest action is not conforming with the worlds ways.
The greatest magic is transmuting the passions.
The greatest generosity is non-attachment.
The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.
The greatest patience is humility.
The greatest effort is not concerned with results.
The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.
The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances.
– Atisha of the Buddhist faith and teachings


Back to the horrible actions around the world, religion has been said to be the center of all this.  So, perhaps FAITH is the end to it all?  All who have Faith in something good has the ability to bring Humanity back into line of peace and goodness.

I have yet to master any of the above rules I try to follow on a daily basis, that I pray (to my Creator and Earth Mother) for the strength to continue my lessons they have for me, To my teacher Buddha (who is not a God but a Teacher) to keep teaching me, and give me strength in my faith to hold strong in each of these life rules to be able to live a lifestyle that honors each of these life rules every day.

Since I started learning and following Buddhism I have thought the above rules should be the commandments on how to live life –

The greatest achievement is selflessness. – To think of others perhaps not always before thy self but perhaps as you are thinking of yourself. If you are going to do something. Think of how it will effect others before doing it. If you are going to the kitchen and live with someone ask “would this person also like something from the kitchen?” If you are at the store perhaps look at the products and think of others in need before thinking of your wants.

To master The greatest achievement is selflessness, and thinking of others leads to The greatest worth is self-mastery.  With self-mastery, one learns to control one urges, addictions, actions, etc.  To master oneself isn’t the ability to master one’s life but it does help.  It makes one’s life much more clear, much happier.  Yet Buddha teaches you can not have good with out the bad, happiness with out sadness.  So, even though self-mastery can make your life a happier life, it does not mean a life with out bad or sadness.

The greatest achievement is selflessness and The greatest worth is self-mastery leads to: The greatest quality is seeking to serve others,   which leads to continual awareness, etc.   As it is taught one rule mastered  leads to the next rule, and the next rule should become easier to master. This of course is not always true, their are stumbling blocks in life at every level in life, we may fall off those steps and need to start re-climbing.

But – imagine if just the majority of people followed their faith/ their code of ethics/life rules – be they these ones or others which they hold as dear as commandments, imagine how much better humanity would be all over the world.  Yes we still have sadness, bad times, and lessons to learn, but with faith and a sit of rules which makes life easier to life by, to each other, as well as, ourselves with kindness and peace those hard times will be less harsh and we would be able to learn our life lessons with less effort and more awareness.

I send blessings to each person and pray for peace among humanity.

Merry Christmas To One And All!


20141221_202339Miss Nikki tried to wake her Mom up for morning breakfast but Kitra just pulled the cover over her head and went back to sleep. I was half awake and half asleep so I got up and feed the fur balls and gave them their Christmas treats.

Now I sit her in the Kitchen with a cup of coffee remembering all the mornings my mom use to be up before us feeding our fur balls and having her coffee in the kitchen, her favorite room of the house. She use to call it the heart of the house.

I miss you mom, Merry Christmas! And a Merry Christmas to all my family, friends, and those who follow me on here. May each of you enjoy the Heart of your families,  be it the kitchen or family room. Be happy, full of love, peace, and laughter!

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: