Wondering Thoughts of a Native Knight

Posts tagged ‘Trauma’

What is on my mind….


What is on my mind…. This is really a loaded question!  So many things these days are on my mind: politics, social economics, schooling, art, my family, my friends, my health, my marriage, and so many other things.

But, for this post this talk about trauma. What type of trauma? A type of trauma where one feels their trust is smashed. It could be one’s parent, a sibling, a friend or a partner.  But in some manner, you feel your trust is smashed and taken away.  It could be as simple as a lie or something as great as an abusive situation.  How do you get that trust back? Do you get it back in that person? Do you learn to trust again, or does that distrust fester just below the surface until someone else comes along and then you just wait, expecting them to do that which the previous person did?  Unable to truly trust anyone again.

However, in this blog, I am going to talk about the type of trust that is the type that is much more damaging than just a simple lie.  I am going to talk about childhood abuse and/or relationship abuse.  Lying may very well be a part of that abuse and in my mind lying can even make that abuse worse because once someone lies, how are you expect to believe anything they say again?

I read an article today that was written with women in mind, yet as I read it I could see myself within it and I was rather taken aback.  I mean I have been in counseling for quite a few years, I knew I had some issues with my history of abuse: childhood and relationship abuse. But, this article just kinda ripped the bandages off and showed the festering, oozing wounds for what they are.

If you would like to read this article go here: “What It Means To Love A Girl Who Lived Through Trauma“.   This article explains what living through abuse trauma is in such a wonderful way. (where you see the … after the first initial set place in s/he or their which ever fits your reading style “…lived through trauma has lived through a situation where …body,…mind, …

“…lived through trauma has lived through a situation where …body,…mind, … self-was not … own. Where … felt disjointed, ripped from … self, safety, and sanity. It was a moment, an experience, a something where … trust was smashed, … worth was gone and all there was was the pain.

A person who has lived through trauma is the person who was pushed into the deep end of the pool when … didn’t know how to swim, but somehow found … way to the ledge anyway. … walked through a forest fire and didn’t succumb to the smoke, but dealt with the burns and made it out in spite of the flames. … found …self in free fall but refused to break upon impact.

… survived. … did.”

It is true, anyone, not just women who have gone through such trauma and have made it through to the other side survived! It doesn’t matter how fucked up we are, we still survived! We (and I am definitely including myself in this) may have to go through years of counseling and still fight our demons and the demons of the past every day but we did survive!

The key in life is to continue surviving, and the thing about trauma is that even when it is over it never really goes away. While you are going through everyday life, “sometimes trauma is loud. Sometimes it’s the monster banging on the windows and screaming gutturally and demonically inside of nightmares. It’s nails on a chalkboard and an earthquake that rattles everyone’s floors. It smashes everything in its wake and forces, no, demands that everyone acknowledge its terrible, terrible presence. … won’t have any choice but to sit with hands clapped over … ears making sounds that are barely human because … just wants everything to stop and it won’t.

But other times, trauma is quiet. It’s sneaky.

It’s the feeling that … is being watched or that … is walking down the street with the word ‘victim’ painted on … forehead in red and everyone is privy to … secrets. It’s the nagging fear that if … goes to sleep … dreams will be anything but restful. It’s the little whisper saying, “You will never be whole again,” that inches its way into the back of … mind and repeats over, and over, and over. And you won’t even see it because … convinces …self that … is the only one who knows that it is there.

It’s the feeling that … is a 100,000 piece puzzle of black and grey and everyone staring at the mess realizes that putting … back together is simply not worth the effort.” <“What It Means To Love A Girl Who Lived Through Trauma“>

Whenever I get into a relationship, I feel that things are great, but of course, I am afraid to tell that person I have just entered into the relationship with everything because after all I am broken and damaged.

I have told myself for years who would really want to be with someone as damaged as I am and if I did open up to them they wouldn’t to worry or deal with all those pieces and putting them back together. So, if they did coax any of the details of my past out of me, I play down the effects they had on me, and just how much I was still dealing with those issues.  I always felt dealing with my own issues,  with my own 100,000 piece puzzle alone. leaving us to deal with the issues of the new relationship. Not taking into consideration that “all those issues of their past and of my past” was part of what made up our relationship. Then, of course, the whole time I was also dealing with trust issues.

All of this leads to the what is called the cycle of abuse.  Every time I think I have healed enough that I have broken that cycle and can enter a healthy relationship, I find myself right back in an unhealthy relationship. Even when I am not focused on hiding my damage or labeling myself as a victim. But, I am still concentrating a good amount of time on healing, because as stated above Trauma never goes away. I also continually have trust issues that I have to deal with.

So, the question is: Will someone who has been through such trauma over and over again, ever going to be in a relationship? Will someone like myself ever going to find that someone who understands the issues that come with feeling like It’s the feeling that I am walking down through life with the word ‘victim’ painted on my forehead in red and everyone is privy to my every secret? That my nagging fear is to not just to stay awake and face every person I come face to face with day to day, but to close my eyes and go to sleep and dream where I will face my demons of the past. It’s the little whisper saying, “You will never be whole again,” that I am not worth a healthy relationship, that if everyone, from my family to my relationships says I am faulty then I must be faulty.

It is all this that leaves me and others like me feeling introverted and wanting to withdraw into ourselves and sometimes physically into our homes away from people. Away from having relationships, to a place where it is “safe”.

What is on my mind? That people who suffer trauma such as life changing, relationship changing trauma is not only women but are men as well. When you are reading articles such as, <“What It Means To Love A Girl Who Lived Through Trauma“>, remember that it isn’t only women who suffer abuse of all kinds, even physical abuse in relationships, even rape.  It isn’t even women who are looking for someone to enter into a relationship with that understands, who are willing to say; “Love, let me help you heal because I believe you can.” and keep that word, not go back on it because it becomes too hard to deal with all the 100,000 pieces.

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